Good evening, my fellow Americans.
Wow. Just, WOW. I’m really not sure where to begin.
I know that, traditionally, this is what happens at the six-year mark for every two-term President, but – honestly – this is just fucking ridiculous. Now, at W’s six-year mark, Americans had an infinite trough of reasons to be dissatisfied with him and Republicans. The country was in economic free-fall, we had tens of thousands of troops fighting wars-of-choice in two different countries, unemployment was at its highest levels since The Great Depression, and it was starting to look as if Americans might have to accept that things weren’t going to improve.
Thankfully, our democracy allows for its citizens to remove those responsible for nearly destroying our economy and – to their credit – Americans did so in 2008. When that happened, the American people put their faith in me to fix our economy and bring the troops home.
Yesterday’s election would suggest that I failed, and that the American people have decided to entrust Republicans with righting the ship. I know, right? What the fuck? That’s exactly what I said.
Now, if that were true – if my efforts failed to reverse the damage done by my predecessor and his party back in 2008 – I would completely understand if Americans lost their faith in me to shepherd this country back to health.
But here’s the thing: we did fix the economy and we did bring the troops home. And why none of you are aware of this is a total fucking mystery to me. Why my fellow Democrats refused to stand up and just simply tell the truth about our accomplishments in the face of relentless, Republican lies, is something I cannot reconcile. Maybe they’re pussies, or maybe they’re just stupid? I really don’t know.
Look, I get it that Americans are frustrated by the partisan bickering and divisiveness plaguing our government and our country. Shit’s gotten outa’ hand. But listen: that shit isn’t on me! I’m serious! I don’t know if you remember this – you probably don’t since all you idiots seem to think about lately is Ebola – but after I backed a bipartisan proposal for a debt-reduction commission, that turtle-looking asshole and six other Republicans voted against it – even though they had co-sponsored it. This shit has been going on for six years!
Since 2009, at the height of the financial crisis – the one I did not cause – unemployment in this country was at 10%. It’s below 6% now. In 2009, economists were talking about 10% being “the new normal” and if I could get it to 8%, it would be an amazing accomplishment. How’s 5.9%, bitches? Yeah. I did that shit.
Here’s another nugget you’ll never hear on Fox news. While I’ve supposedly been steering America towards economic ruin with my Socialist agenda, America has seen 55 consecutive months of private sector growth. That’s PRIVATE SECTOR. I didn’t grow the government to inflate those numbers; those are jobs, created by companies. Since 2009, I’ve added 4.8 million jobs to the workforce. 4.8 MILLION, mother-fuckers! How the fuck am I and Obamacare job-killers? Anyone wanna clarify that shit for me?
Here’s a few other accomplishments my dumbass Democrats failed to mention while they were busy losing elections. Since the Great Shitstorm of 2009,
- The S&P is up 145%.
- The Dow Jones Industrial Average rose from its crash in 2009 of 6547 to 17,464. Socialism, right?
- Corporate profits have risen by 184%. In fact, U.S. companies currently hold more corporate cash than EVER.
- Remember when that one shrill-ass bitch was all “Drill, baby, drill!”? U.S. crude oil production has increased 67%, and petroleum imports are down 48%.
- Wind and solar power have risen by 231%, and somehow we’re not all hippies or Europeans.
- Exports. Remember exports? Those are up 35%.
- Here’s one I’m actually ashamed of, but it should make you fuckers happy. While all you gundamentalists have been bleating on and on about me taking away all your guns, annual handgun production has risen by 128%. And I’ve confiscated exactly ZERO guns during that time. You can kindly shut up about it now.
- Oh, and the troops? yeah, I brought them home too.
So seriously: what the hell did I do to ruin this country? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
Fuck all y’all. I’m going golfing.
This Sh*t Writes Itself 