satire

A few carefully-chosen words from Melania Trump

Dober večer tovariši! In my native Slovenia, this means “Good evening, comrades.” (What is this? I should not say “comrades?” Who is Natasha?) Žal mi je. As I was saying, it is great honor for me to be at this convention where my husband will be Supreme Ruler of silly men with large belly. When […]

Read more "A few carefully-chosen words from Melania Trump"

Area man pretty sure “I can climb that” after first visit to climbing gym

BOISE, ID April 6, 2016 Travis Nelson, a 33 year old customer service representative, from Boise, Idaho, is pretty sure he can climb any wall at the Teleperformance call center. Nelson, who has never actually done any climbing, had visited the Asana climbing gym for the first time the previous day to redeem a soon-to-expire Groupon […]

Read more "Area man pretty sure “I can climb that” after first visit to climbing gym"

I Have a Dream

At the 2016 Republican National Convention, Donald Trump steps up to the podium and says… HELLO CLEVELAND! Oh yeah! I’ve always wanted to say that. Great city here, Cleveland. Especially in July. Yeah, it’s great. Nothing compliments soul-crushing humidity like an endless buffet of deep-fried foods slathered in gravy, amidst a seemingly infinite landscape of brown […]

Read more "I Have a Dream"

Dear HP Cafeteria:

Is there a product that functions as a sort of “anti-MSG?” Something that is added to food to remove any discernible flavor? If there isn’t, how did you make a pizza that literally tasted like nothing? I know I was eating food, because I could feel it in my mouth. I’ve eaten food before, so […]

Read more "Dear HP Cafeteria:"

In Summary: Pope Francis Lays a Papal Helping of Catholic Guilt on a Joint Session of Congress

The Holy Father, head of the Catholic church, and bane of capitalists everywhere, Pope Francis gave a speech to a joint session of congress today. By his own admission, Pope Francis’ grasp of English isn’t terribly strong. Here’s a breakdown of his speech to America’s legislature. Vice President, Mr. Speaker, and the rest of you: […]

Read more "In Summary: Pope Francis Lays a Papal Helping of Catholic Guilt on a Joint Session of Congress"

Gay Marriage, Explained

With the US Supreme Court’s definitive ruling making same-sex marriage legal in all fifty states, there will be some lingering confusion among straight couples about how this landmark decision affects them and their straight marriages. Here’s the list of things straight couples should be aware of: 1. Nothing has changed. You are still married and you […]

Read more "Gay Marriage, Explained"

On The Record, I Am Wearing This Visor Ironically…

Off the record, however, I am endlessly impressed with this particular headpiece’s utility and comfort – and I love the way it frames my face. Still, the potential for social confusion and awkward misunderstandings fills me replete with consternation. In wearing this fine bonnet, what am I conveying about myself? More importantly, what might other people opine when they see […]

Read more "On The Record, I Am Wearing This Visor Ironically…"

Ten Tips For A Successful TED Talk

For those not familiar with TED (Technology, Entertainment, Design), it is a series of conferences where (mostly famous or semi-famous) people self-indulge in their own life experiences on-stage, in front of an audience of affluent white people, usually at some resort in British Columbia. Sometimes, however, non-famous people are invited to regale a largely sheltered audience […]

Read more "Ten Tips For A Successful TED Talk"